If there was one thing scary about life it would be the ghosts of the past- whether it be past exes, naughty things we had done or people that we had screwed over. Just why is it that in terms of these ghosts, we are always like deer caught in headlights and never willing to look away. Why do we all linger on the past? Are all of us in one way or another masochists?

In 2009 there had been a guy that I had talked to for about 5 months. Towards the end of the 5 months I had begun to find myself growing bored of our telephone relationship. I was in New York and he was in New Mexico. We had finally met in September where he completely confused my emotions. He was a good catch in every way- smart, funny, considerate and easy going. Physically he was tall and masculine, the type that I adored. However when it came down to sex and connection I didn’t seem to feel anything. The sex didn’t make me yearn for more and the connection that I had felt, felt like that of a best friend. When he had finally returned home to New Mexico, we had a long conversation and I made my position as honest as I could. So honest in fact that when I hung up the phone and realized that I had rejected him, I felt as if I had knives jabbing my heart. For the first time in my life, I rejected someone and yet for me to reject the other person it in turn hurt me.

It hurt me because I was confused as to if I was doing the right thing or not. Clearly he was a great catch and yet it didn’t feel right. Why was I passing up on such a great guy? In the end, I know that I did the right thing. Mostly because I did in fact have feelings for the other guy and the fact that I only wanted the best for him meant that I couldn’t stay in a relationship where I couldn’t give it my all. It would not have been fair to him and most importantly, it would not have been fair to me.

Which brings me to my main topic- masochism. Yesterday, I was having a terrible day to begin with and brainlessly I was surfing the net. I surfed into the social networking website where I had met the New Mexican guy and out of curiosity I clicked onto his profile. His status was recently changed from “single” to “in a monogamous relationship.” My heart completely sank. When I had talked to him briefly this past November, his tone of voice had changed and I had wondered why. While I had been away from NY, I had mailed him a gift and also a Christmas card, but he had seemed nonchalant of the things I sent over and last night in front of the computer I had finally understood.

Just like that, I invited a flood of memories to enter my head. Once more I invited that same feeling of hurt I had the year prior to haunt me. My Mr. Not-So-Perfect has already entered into a relationship. The shock from this and stress from things that had happened earlier took a toll on me and I went to sleep early. I woke up this morning to find my head floating towards thoughts from the night prior. As the day progressed I finally realized that we need to stop our masochism. Things that happened in the past purely are just things that happened in the past. You make some realizations, you learn and then you move on without looking back. There’s no progression when we linger in the past. Rather than allowing ghosts of the past greet us and taunt us we should simply stop acknowledging their existence. How do we build and innovate when all we know of is the past?