If there’s a subject that should be taught in school, it is the lesson of “risk.” We’re conditioned in life to have plan B’s and to minimize risk, however, we’re never taught to trust our hearts and to take risk. All around me I see the benefits of risk and each time I kick myself mentally because I know that had I moved my chess piece in a different way, I could have been able to harvest ultimate success.

The stocks that I have watched go up, the people that I watched take a risk on a guy and ended up marrying them, the friends I watched quitting a great job only to secure their dream job- the list simply goes on and on. Did others get the memo to take risks or was this a well-kept secret that was not revealed to me?

After learning that a friend from the past will marry soon, I’ve begun to think about my position with love again. It’s a vicious cycle, I think about it, I forget, I think about it and then I forget again… I suppose it’s only human to want to be loved. Of course this formula wouldn’t be complete if I didn’t pull out thoughts about my ex “Ben.” Ben, as my friend M suggests is the one that completely ruined me. In a way, he did ruin me. In another way, he strengthened me in the sense that after he broke my heart I was forced to examine myself and improve myself mentally and physically.

My story with Ben was a story that had happened about 5 years ago, it was a short-lived romance, though in my heart it felt like it lasted for ages. I can safely say that I was 100% happy during that year of talking to him. It was also after losing him that I had realized how strongly I loved him- to the point where it was driving me mad.

In many ways, I wonder if I could ever find that connection and happiness again. Ben has since moved on and is happily married to another guy whereas I am like the country that had lost a war and was never able to rebuild. I’ve had quite a number of dates between then and now- in fact a handful of guys had shown strong interest in me only for me to reject them. I really wonder if I’ve used up all my love cards. In Korean superstition, it’s a terrible thing to be able to win a huge sum of money through gambling or through the lottery because then, you’ve used up all the luck you would have used throughout your life. I wonder, since I have been in love twice in my life, have I used up all my loves in this lifetime?

I had a conversation about this topic of love with Marie back in January when we were all drinking at a bar in Hong Kong. She said something that shot right through me:
“Ekin, I think you just have not gotten over Ben.”

It’s been five years though. I don’t think of him all the time and I’m happy that he’s doing well and is very happy now but I still haven’t gotten over him? The fact that this question makes me falter a bit for the answer makes me really wonder if I have actually gotten over him or not. I’ve concluded that maybe these few years I’ve simply buried him inside my heart and simply chose not to acknowledge that he exists there. Regardless, I’m not sure what cleaning agent I could use to scrape him out of my heart completely.

I wish I could fall in love again. As the people around me pair up and marry, I start to feel very lonely. Maybe it’s because I’m getting older, but I’m starting to worry that I really am going to be old and alone. It’s starting to get more and more painful to reject people that I’m not attracted to simply because I feel like they are the only people willing to love me.

Somehow, I just don’t want to settle. I want the connection. I want a guy where when he calls my cellphone, the sound of the customized ringtone I set for him makes me excited. I want to look forward to talking to him for hours. I want to be able to put my head on his shoulders and feel safe. I want to be able to tell him that “I love him.”